


hold on to your heart, don't give it away

by joatlas



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Gen, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Neurodivergent Tilly, Pre-Season/Series 03, WLW Sylvia Tilly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 14:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28780107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joatlas/pseuds/joatlas
Summary: Based on that scene in the finale of S3 where Michael & Tilly talk about when Tilly was having a sad birthday. So, Tilly's having a sad birthday and Michael will do something about it.
Relationships: Michael Burnham & Sylvia Tilly
Comments: 6
Kudos: 21





	hold on to your heart, don't give it away

**Author's Note:**

> When I saw that scene, you bet I HAD to fill in the gaps. I do ship Mylvia but this is not a romantic fic, is just a cute friendship oneshot. Hope you all like it!!
> 
> Content warnings :   
> Alcohol mentions (hard to skip)  
> Fatphobia (it's short, if you want to skip, jump to the next paragraph after your read the name Larry)

_It wasn’t a particularly happy birthday. But I found you._

_Fuck, shit, fuck, fuck. _Tilly swore in her head and put her tool down. She turned to leave.__

__‘Everything okay, Ensign?’_ _

__She barely registered that. She was almost at the turbolift already._ _

__It was just a minor mistake, but she couldn’t stop the thoughts from coming after that. What was the use, if she couldn’t do something so simple perfectly? How did she come to be here anyway? Maybe she should just transfer off Discovery, get something less important to do, so she wouldn’t mess it up, put everyone in danger. Maybe her mom had been right to never believe she was fit for duty. She was weak, gullible, naive, stubborn, annoying. Everyone just pretended to like her anyway. How could anyone like her? She never had anything to say. If people liked her, wouldn’t they remember her birthday? Wasn’t that the ultimate proof everyone was just lying?_ _

__And on, and on, and on. It never stopped. Every new thought sank her further into self-pity and darkness. Until they got slightly quieter, just quieter enough that she could distract herself, forget they were there, for a while until she sat in bed crying again, or had to call her mom, or simply they came back unannounced at any given moment._ _

__Tilly hated birthdays._ _

__It reminded her of her parents arguing over who would throw the party, always ending up doing two. Everytime that happened, her mom would say “we’d have to do that for your wedding too, if you ever get married, I’m not coming to your wedding if that bitch is there”._ _

__It reminded her of no one showing up for the party because this guy Larry from her class who called her “Sylvia the Whale” started a rumour that she had murdered a cat and ate it. Which not many believed, but a lot still prefer to avoid being seen conspiring with the alleged cat murderer, you never know._ _

__It was no better with family, as she got older. It’s your birthday Tilly, be pretty, put on a dress, put on makeup, heels, be the herald of your own blooming femininity. Lie, show off that boyfriend for mom, don’t daydream about kissing Nancy under the pine trees._ _

__It’s your birthday, be who she wants you to be, be the pretty, thin, smart woman she wants you to be._ _

__She hadn’t believed that for a long time, but every birthday it hit her that she was further from that than she’d ever been. And yet, she still felt empty, sometimes. More than sometimes. She had made her own choices but she still wasn’t happy. Did it exist, being happy?_ _

__The walls of the nacelle felt cold against her shoulders and the back of her neck, but her tears lay lukewarm and humid on her cheeks._ _

__Circles and circles and circles. Why was she here, was she really good at anything, would anyone ever stay awake thinking of her, did she truly deserve to be on Discovery, did she truly deserve anything, was she just delusional when she hoped to be liked for more than her scientific abilities._ _

__A soft knock. A huff._ _

__‘Tilly? You’re in here?’_ _

__How long had she been here? 2 minutes, 2 hours? No idea._ _

__She sniffed and hid her red eyes behind her hands._ _

__‘Michael?’  
‘Can I come in?’  
‘Uhm…. I’d prefer if you d-’  
‘I have some synthehol.’_ _

__Well, it sure would be nice, to have a little peace from her own mind._ _

__‘Don’t let anyone see you.’_ _

__She saw Michael turn her head to check around her, before the door to the nacelle opened._ _

__‘Cozy.’ Michael say with her usual detached humorous tone.  
‘Come on. Give me that.’ Tilly pointed to the bottle she was holding. ‘It’s my birthday.’_ _

__If Michael was surprised to hear that, she didn’t show it. Perhaps she wasn’t._ _

__‘No. You have to earn it.’ A smile on the corner of her lips, she sat down in front of her, mimicking her posture. She made a show of getting a pack of cards out of her uniform. ‘Poker?’_ _

__Tilly laughed._ _

__‘I’m too good at it. You may be great at chess, but I’m definitely beating you at poker.’  
‘We’ll see about that.’ Michael smiled lightly. _ _

__She distributed the cards and they played quietly for a while. Tilly didn’t really feel like talking. Most people thought she could never shut up, but after bunking with her for a while, Michael knew of these times, more often than not, when Tilly was dead silent._ _

__She was good at bluffing though. She kept giggling sweetly for no reason and it made Michael believe she had a bad hand. They shared a sip of alcohol after she won the first game._ _

__They played a few rounds after that and mostly talked about the game. Tilly was grateful. She didn’t want to talk about why she was here on her birthday, or how she was feeling, she just wanted to feel comfortable and relaxed. Loved._ _

__Michael felt like a mountain to Tilly sometimes. Wise, mysterious, unreachable, a force of the elements, seemingly eternal and strong and yet perpetually falling apart bit by bit with every gust of wind._ _

__The game became less and less interesting and more and more distant, in the blink of an eye Michael and Tilly were sitting, their back to the wall, looking at the tiny bit of space you could see through the windows of the nacelle._ _

__‘You always wanted to be in space?’ Tilly asked her after a short silence.  
‘I think so, yes.’ She huffed. ‘I know they’re dead but I think somehow I still wanted to look for them. Spiritually.’_ _

__She didn’t say the word exactly._ _

__‘Did you?’ She asked back after a moment.  
‘Oh yeah. It was all I spoke about, since I was a kid. Could not think or get interested in anything else. Physics, physics, physics. I was such a nerd.’  
‘Was?’ Michael nudged her.  
‘I was more annoying, you would’ve hated younger me. No fun.’  
‘Tilly, I grew up on Vulcan.’  
‘Oh yeah right, well, maybe a little more fun than that? But only by an inch.’ She laughed._ _

__She kept laughing faintly until she suddenly had a thought and the corner of her lips curled down._ _

__‘I never really had any friends until I joined Starfleet.’_ _

__It was stupid to complain about that to Michael of all people. People were so reluctant to be her friend that they basically bombed her school. Well, more or less._ _

__‘My only friends were my brothers. Did not turn out well.’  
‘Your brother-s? You mean brother?’_ _

__Michael’s eyes widened for an instant._ _

__‘Yeah. Just the one.’_ _

__Tilly was too inebriated to tap on that._ _

__‘I wish we had fireworks. For my birthday party.’  
‘I can always pay a call to the Klingon fleet.’_ _

__They exploded in laughter together._ _

__‘Do you seriously want fireworks?’ Michael asked after they calmed down._ _

__This little light in her eyes. Her friend would do anything for her and if she wanted fireworks she’d find a way._ _

__‘No... I was just joking.’ She smiled and looked down. ‘I do wish there was some music.’  
‘I can do that, wait here.’_ _

__The drinking had made Michael all twitchy when Tilly was more the falling asleep type. Her friend started tinkering in the corner of the room in the command box. You probably needed quite some clearance protocols to get the nacelle off the shipwide channel and plug it into a private one where you could play music. She quickly turned to her with a smile on her face and turned on the catchiest pop-rock song that she knew Tilly loved._ _

__Calling what they did dancing would be a reach perhaps, it was mostly some jumping, a lot of falling down and laughing, waving arms around. Tilly didn’t remember having had that much fun in a long time. It wasn’t only that Michael thought of her, it was that she too was letting go, and Tilly knew how hard it was to her._ _

__After a while, they sat back down, exhausted._ _

__‘I think this is the best birthday I’ve ever had.’_ _

__It was not only happy, how she said it. Melancholy was creeping through, coming back into her brain slowly. She could already feel the tears coming back. But instead of focusing on that, she turned to watch Michael, who was still looking at the wall but turned to her and only smiled, beaming. She took her hand and squeezed it._ _

__‘Watch out for next year, then.’_ _

__They left shortly after that, as it was late, and Michael had switched shifts. They did not talk about it much more. But Tilly went to sleep feeling content. If she could only let them, people were there, if she could only let them..._ _

__Michael had never said “Happy birthday”._ _


End file.
